I feel sorry for my few Christian pals. In fact, I’m not even sure if I have any Christian pals. It’s one thing to have “christian values”, another to be an actual Christian. Most of the people I know who were born into Christian families mainly went to Church so that their grandparents didn’t disinherit their parents. Now that they’re old enough to schedule their own weekend activities it takes a lot more to impress them than daily bread.

I’ve seen a lot of people who start off as Christian develop their own spiritual course. They become conflicted by the bible’s outdated, corrupt, ultraconservative values, but still feel like there’s “something else” out there, looking after them.  Then they motorbike through Cambodia, get a traditional luck tattoo, cuddle some orphans and spend all their money on cacao.

Having been raised functionally Atheist I’ve never had that Twilight Zoney we’re-being-watched feeling they describe, but despite my own lack of faith I don’t think they’re crazy for feeling it. Clearly, spirituality fulfills some primal need in humans – the need to be important (like Zaphod Beeblebrox in that fake universe thing),  the need to not be alone, and most importantly the need to be less scared about your own death and the death of friends. Spirituality provides strength to some and denial to others about these inevitabilities of life.

So what drives people away from Christianity and into the dangerous world of Deciding For Yourself? Maybe it’s the fact that the bible itself declares thinking for yourself as evil:

SNAKE: “Hey Eve! Dig this apple. It’ll make you think for yourself.”
EVE: “Nom nom nom…”
SNAKE: “Ha ha! I can see your boobs!”
EVE: “Shit, well I’d better cover up. Now back to paradise.”
GOD: “No dice. Since you’re sooo self sufficient now how about I MAKE YOUR VAGINA BLEED EVERY MONTH!!! HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?!?”
EVE: “Dang it. Fig leaf tampons are scratchy. I’ll never think again.”

The bible frequently says, “don’t ask questions, just do what we say”, and this is from a book that tells me I’m an all-singing, all-dancing, magic rib brought to life by a guy who lives on top of the ozone layer. If I was asked to believe that along with my spirituality, I’d be conflicted too.

The bible condemns gay sex as punishable by death, while rape of a woman is frequently referenced as a minor plot point, a faux pas or even as a reward for its protagonists.

The bible tells us that if you to invade a foreign country and god’s on your side you should leave none alive – not even women or children – because they will hold the beliefs of the people you fought and you can’t risk another point of view being present in your country.

The bible tells us that Jesus called a Greek woman a dog and only agreed to help her sick daughter after she admitted that she was, in fact, a dog. “Now bark, Effie! Bark!”

The bible tells us that if you beat up a slave and he doesn’t die on the same day you beat him then it’s not murder.

For every “Thou shalt not kill” there’s an, “unless the person is a different race, religion, gender, sexuality or class to you.” And that’s hardly surpising, the writers were only human. Yep, human. Not gods or popes or angelic beings, they were uneducated farmers living thousands of years before trade unions, women’s rights or Judge Judy. And there’s some suggestion that a few of the authors were taking this mushroom while writing it. From my own experience with hallucinogens, if someone had told me “god” was the person I could see dancing in the ceiling fan, I probably could’ve written Revelations too.

The Christians who remain loyal after reading all the bigotry and magic usually wash it away by saying, “that stuff doesn’t apply any more. It was true then but it’s not true now.” Clearly forgetting the bit where it says “Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven” Matthew 5:18.  Basically translating as, “We mean aaaall the stuff, even the bits you think we don’t mean.”

The few Christians I know probably wouldn’t kill a gay man, but they might use the biblical law as allegorical permission to deny him marriage rights. They probably wouldn’t rape a woman but they might be inclined to pay her less money than a male in an equal position. Discrimination is etched into the building blocks of their lives.

For the benefit of any confused Christians out there, I have an answer so simple I can’t believe no one’s done it yet: We expurgate the bible.

I’d be happy to do it! We could turn it from the monsterous half-Lewis-Carrol-half-Charles-Manson nightmare ride that it is, into something from Disney starring Oprah. Run it by some politically correct editors, chuck in a talking rabbit to help easter make sense and bingo! We can update it for the 21st Century:

“And Jesus did enter the McDonalds where the deep fryer had switched off and none could have fries and he did bless the fryer and, Yea, he got down upon his knees and did reach around the back to discover the cord had come out at the wall. Then he did plug it back in and there was much rejoicing. The franchisee did bow unto Jesus and cry “The people now have fries. How can I repay thee for thy efforts?” to which Jesus said, “Nay, I ask nothing for it is the Sabbath and I left my receipt book in the truck.”

Let there be tales of Jesus giving a leper a job at Centrelink, Abraham telling his first born son it’s ok to marry a black guy, Moses parting the red sea then inviting seven nations to a beach party in it… or even just one story where someone admits lesbianism is an actual thing!

It wouldn’t be the first time the bible has been edited. History tells us that once Christianity caught on in the Roman Empire a bunch of fat senators redrafted it with a heavy influence on “obeying thy superiors”. There is reason to believe that the Book of Judas and the Book of Mary Magdalene existed and were removed at various points in history. Even the King James bible was rewritten – ostensibly to correct errors but more likely so that the Christian archaic ideals didn’t get in the way of the Church of England’s love of divorce.

Once we abandon all the bigotry Christians can unashamedly embrace the whole book, rather than hypocritically picking the PC bits. In fact, it’d be more of a pamphlet than a book because how many words does it take to say, “Don’t be a douchebag to anyone, ever… this means you, Middle America. Aaaaand you, Wendy Francis!” The sooner we do this the happier we’ll be and the fewer people will start looking to Xenu for comprehensive spiritual guidance.